It’s been kind of a miserable week, but today, today I found myself so down that my teeth hurt. That’s never happened before. I know a big part of it is the weather. I have issues with seasonal depression, and it’s been so cold and grey and dismal lately that it feels like I’m right back in late February. I’m probably also PMSing, as long as I’m being honest here. And I’m sure I’m stressing out about a bunch of little insignificant things, too.
Whatever it is, it feels like a big empty space that needs filling. And I know I’ve felt this before, and I know I’ve tried filling this thing with food, god, so many times. And it usually feels like it works, at least for a little while, but it never lasts. The thing is, okay, so I’m not filling it with food tonight. So, I turn to other things. I took a long bath tonight. I drew this page of comics. I watched Law & Order, I bought new sheets, I played my accordion for a while. I even had a good cry. Nothing’s filling the missing part.
I’m sorry, I know this is a pretty depressing entry, right? <:-/ But hang on, because all of this talk of filling holes makes me think of that Shel Silverstein story The Missing Piece, you remember that one. The little pac-man guy searches and searches and finally finds a piece that fits him perfectly, and realizes that he preferred things with the piece missing. Which leads me to wonder, is this empty thing, is it not something that’s missing at all, is it just part of being human? Is this just part of human nature? I mean, it’s kicking my ass today, but most days it doesn’t, most days maybe it even drives me to make pretty music or comics.
I think what I’m trying (poorly) to say is this: my instinct is to try to find things to throw at this, but maybe it’s ok to just sit for a while and let myself be sad, and maybe it will pass without anyone needing to involve any brownies. Or whiskey.